Party Tricks for Introverts

For an introvert, going to a party filled with people you don't really know (and/or work with) can be both stressful and tiring - to the point where you'd rather be anywhere else, including the moon. 

This particular time of year can be especially stressful, with company Christmas parties, family parties, and old friends showing up in town and throwing even more parties. Here are a few tips to help you navigate uncomfortable, awkward, or just plain old normal people-filled events.

Pre-Party

There are a few things that you can do before the party to prepare, ultimately (hopefully) making the actual event that much easier.

1. Find out what to wear. There are few things more awkward than showing up in jeans when it's a black tie affair - except maybe showing up naked.
2. Plan conversation topics ahead of time. You can even do research on something if you are certain the other party-goers will be discussing it (such as sports, something about which I know nothing, but people always like to discuss).
1. Sports
2. Projects at work
3. Children
4. Weddings
3. Know what is inappropriate to talk about - office politics, awkward medical problems (especially if you meet a doctor), and marital issues are all poor conversation choices.
4. Take a date. If you have a spouse or a friend that is willing to go, take them so you always have somebody to talk to.
5. Find out who is going to be there - this way, you can more easily plan topics of conversation, as well as potentially have some friends who will make it a little easier for you.

During the Party

1. Be courageous!
2. Don't arrive first.
3. Don't arrive extremely late.
4. Don't get drunk.
5. Start by talking to someone you know; look for opportunities for them to introduce you to other people - so you don't have to take as much initiative.
6. To involve yourself in a conversation, walk by the circle of people at a tangent, so someone will see you and let you in.
7. Ask people about themselves.
1. How did you like living in X location?
2. What do you think of X project?
3. Have you heard about X event in X location?
4. Do you have kids?
5. What is your job?
8. To escape from an awkward conversation:
1. Always carry a glass and keep it 1/3 full (alcohol is probably a bad choice of beverage for this trick.) Then, you can always say, "I need to go refill my glass."
2. You can't visit the bathroom too many times, especially if you're keeping your glass 1/3 full.
3. Let someone else into the conversation; then the circle of people can split like an amoeba into two conversations.
9. Get an extrovert buddy. This person can help you escape from conversations, give you someone to talk to if you've been wandering around helplessly for too long, and/or can intervene in conversations that need a bit of livening up. They can also introduce you to new people, which will take a little pressure off of you for initiating the first exchange.
10. Talk to a lot of different people for shorter periods of time. This may seem intimidating, but it allows you to only need two or three conversation topics which you can use repeatedly.

Post-Party

1. Ask your extrovert buddy how you did.
2. Make note of things to do and/or not to do again.
3. Go to bed.
4. Take some time to  yourself to recover.

Santa Claus Massacre

News Alert! Santas are dead!

Today is the day after Christmas, and I was shocked to find that Santa did not make it beyond most houses yesterday. As Dave and I walked around a rather nice neighborhood on Long Island, we saw an appalling number of dead Santa Clauses lying in one yard after another, their red clothes melted in a sad, forlorn heap and stakes attached to ropes tying the poor plastic corpses to the ground; Frosty was caught in the crossfire; his poor white body lay melted on the ground.

We must stand up! Take a stand! Stand for good! Stand up for Santa to help Santa stand up! Who else will bring our children their toys? Who else will try to fit down our impossibly small chimney and stovepipes? Who else will not be allowed to laugh in Australia because it sounds like he's insulting women? Santa Claus. Therefore, we must take care of him: for all of you who still have your Santas intact, protect them. You never know which of your neighbors is on an anti-Santa strike team. Watch out. Protect our beloved icon.

At any rate, Santa brought me lots a great presents this year: a hex bug, some chocolate, a gas card. Aunt Jan gave me a beautiful sweater, and Sandy gave me a picture of a nebula!!! and a cardigan. Dave gave me bananagrams! All in all a good day. I hope yours was, too.

Now, protect your Santa! Or Christmas will never live again.

Hanging the Universe on my Christmas Tree

I don't have a Christmas tree. But if I did, I would want to fill it with UFO ornaments like my Great Uncle Bill did. Or ornaments shaped like stars and galaxies and nebulae. In fact, instead of a tree, I'd just like a tree-shaped picture of the universe, or a piece of the universe that someone shrunk down to fit in my living room. I could hang a wreath-shaped nebula on my door and use comets like icicle lights on my bushes. Comet tails would make beautiful ribbons to tie up the gifts and Saturn's moons and rings could be the trains on the train track under the universe tree.

Instead of presents I would name stars after my friends so that the whole universe would be just like my living room, with Grady and Styliani and Dave and Evan and Peter; and they could go visit the star I named after them. Or perhaps as a gift I would take them on trips to Jupiter or Kepler 20e or Kepter 20f, or maybe, if they didn't want to go, I would simply catch a moon and wrap it with a bow. They could use it to decorate their living room.

My gingerbread house would actually be a giant gingerbread solar system, with Earth and Mercury and Neptune all flying in massive loops; the sun would have giant frosting sunspots, the asteroid belt would be made of gumdrops, and inside the moon I would hide lots and lots of twizzlers. I wouldn't be picky: Pluto would be a planet again, and we could invite Eris to join the party, too.

My Santa does not ride in a sleigh or wear red; he rides in a blue police box which breathes loudly as it lands, and produces an interesting looking man with an interesting looking screwdriver. Then I climb into the blue police box which can travel through space and time, and he takes me to Midnight where the Sapphire Waterfall cascades down diamond peaks, or maybe just to Kepler 20e, if there's anything interesting there. Or, better yet, he could take me home.

Even if you haven't caught the universe to decorate your living room, have a fantastic period of time where you don't have to work, spending your days and nights with family and friends, watching the stars glisten on your tree and hearing the music of the universe serenade your hopefully magical days. Enjoy the candles in the windows and the rather small moon which has replaced your coffee table, and don't forget: the Dr. Who Christmas Special airs today!