On Second Thought, the End of the World Might Actually Happen.

Swing dancing. It's one of my favourite things. It's also like being in an asteroid belt. Picture this:

A dimly lit room, music. Two hundred people dancing in pairs, spinning around each other, stepping on feet. Sweat, smile, rock-step. Repeat. Chaotic rhythm and a jumble of bodies, all moving in a similar way, trading partners, drinking water. Chaotic rhythm and a jumble of rocks, sweating, spinning, bumping into each other--

--rocks--people--basically the same thing.

Some people believe that the asteroid belt located between Mars and Jupiter is actually the remnant of a planet which collided with something--another planet, perhaps?--and broke into a million little pieces. Now they fly in an orbit, being chased by a glowing tail and losing bits along the way.

The belt could be a conglomeration of materials that never became a planet. It may even be our solar system's junk yard. Or perhaps it is our way of making the solar system look thin, as belts are often used for. I, however, feel that these rocks are probably the remains of Niribu, the planet which supposedly flew by us 3000 years ago and if it weren't destroyed before completing it's super-long orbit, would be due for a return in December. I imagine the Anunnaki built a spaceship to come visit us, accidentally initiated the nuclear battery startup before stabilization, and it exploded, taking the planet with it. That said, such a superior species should have known better than to use a nuclear power source. Or perhaps they got into a war over whether or not to stay on Earth, which ended in a hundred thousand little pieces. Or perhaps their orbit shifted just a fraction of an inch, and they hit a moon. Either way, now they are just a ring of asteroids flying 1,118,468 miles an hour in a never ending circle around the sun.

This does not mean that the Anunnaki are all dead. Perhaps there are habitable asteroids where tiny groups of Anunnaki are waiting for us to develop enough to rescue them--or they've been cryogenically frozen and need us to unfreeze them. Or maybe they think we exploded them (because we all know the ancient Sumerians had nuclear technology) and are forming a massive army of armed asteroids to attack us. At any rate, don't listen to NASA, the asteroids are definitely the planet Niribu--it does exist, it's just in a hundred thousand little pieces.

Next December, expect an emergency broadcast stating that 1,500 asteroids have suddenly veered off from their orbit and are heading towards Earth, with giant guns aimed right at us. I hope you have moved to Russia before this emergency broadcast, because by then it will be too late.

Asteroids: the perfect disguise for the end of the world.

Coming Soon: Nibiru and the End of the World

As the end of the world rapidly approaches, panicky rumors spread faster than a rabbit with a  stick of dynamite tied to its tail. My favourite is this: a mysterious, wandering planet with an orbit of 3,600 years, said to be inhabited by intelligent beings who procreated with the apes to create humans last time their planet passed by, will slip between Earth and the Sun, blocking the Sun's light, throwing off our orbit, shortening the length of our day, and causing a sudden pole shift--the end of the world.

Nibiru is the home of the Anunnaki, a race of extraterrestrials who first enslaved us, then tried to kill us, then decided to bring our civilization into maturity, and then left. If you are having trouble remembering this, it's because it happened during the Sumerian Empire. Many people are certain that this planet will return in 2012 and cause the end of everything. In fact, this is so disconcerting that some people can't sleep at night for fear of the future. One belief is that the newly discovered Eris is actually Nibiru:

"...however Eris does exist and I see they were going to call it Xena... planet X... Will Eris do a flyby since it is considered a planet and the 10th one?...Could this even be possible that we would be thrown off our axis? Are Pluto and others really slightly of their normal gravitational paths because of this planet that is supposedly coming toward us? Why do they say time is speeding up because of the magnetic pulse this planet is creating? Is this true that there are only really 16 hours a day now because time is moving faster? ...Why do the days seem so much shorter? I am scared about this whole 2012 thing. Eris seems to be in the position that everyone says Nibiru is and the same size. Maybe we are asking the wrong question. Maybe we should be asking about Eris and not Nibiru. Thank you for your time as I am scared to death!" (This is an excerpt from this fantastic article about Nibiru).

What is the evidence for this mysterious planet? It's this: the orbits of Neptune and Uranus supposedly wobble slightly, therefore there must be another planet, larger than Earth, that exerts gravitational pull. Also the Mayan Calendar is ending.

There seems to be a rather large number of people who think that this mysterious planet has been secretly observed and tracked by NASA for several years. And what would life be without conspiracies? David Morrison, a respected astrophysicist at NASA, was sent this message by a rather irate individual:

"So if you all are watching Eris and it’s trajectory, why can’t you tell us about how it’s going to come between the sun and the earth? Where is the info on your webpage of the true trajectory which will cause the perturbing of all our solar system heavenly bodies? If this is nothing to worry about, then why don’t you talk about its trajectory? Why don’t you have people partnering to watch it, track it and be actively talking about this huge new planet that is coming? Why are you so quiet about this new discovery? Your behavior is suspicious and your actions will be discovered soon so I would suggest a full disclosure."

I imagine them yelling this: "Why don't you talk about it's trajectory?" It cracks me up.

People are great. Without imagination we would all still be nomadic hunters. Not that there is anything wrong with nomadic hunting, but 7 billion nomadic hunters might be a few too many. I must say, however, that imaginary planets do not make me lose sleep. Leaf Blowers make me lose sleep. My cat makes me lose sleep. Caffeine makes me lose sleep. Right now, however, I am awake, and the only planet that makes me lose sleep is Jupiter, because it's never in the same place! (Ha! Space joke!)

So I don't recommend worrying about the end of the world, but I do recommend buying stock in companies that sell generators and dehydrated food. That way, next year, you'll be rich enough to buy your freedom when the Anunnaki enslave us. Again.