Leaping Into the Universe - Children's Literature Week

The thing I like the most about children's stories (aside from the fact that they're chock full of magic and wonder) is the way they can make it possible to take a leap from your living room chair into the whole of the universe.

Take Diary of a Worm by Doreen Cronin, for example.

On the first page, it introduces the idea that the world is much bigger than just us. Then it goes on to talk about the specifics of our world... from the perspective of a worm, but in the context of something much larger.

Simple, but effective.

Or take this book: 

Tuesday opens up the idea that everything is weirder than you can imagine...

...that anything is possible...

...and that you can never predict tomorrow. In addition, there aren't any words in the book, so it allows you to tell the story yourself.

The Magic School Bus uses facts. It says "look how amazing the universe is. For real!"

...except for the whole "magic" part...

If you check out Baloney (Henry P.) by Jon Scieszka and Lane Smith, it takes the total opposite approach - take a look at the immense potential for exploration that is available just inside your own mind.

Also it has fantastic pictures.

But my favourite of all has to be The Big Pets by Lane Smith. First of all, the illustrations are spectacular (you may notice that the images are oddly similar to the illustrations in Baloney)... 

...and secondly, it takes you from simple, wonderful, and calm imaginary place where the girl is small and the cat is big...

...to the massive majesty and awe of the universe in one two-page spread. I could stare at this page all day.

...with the milk and the cat and cat toys and the stars
and the globe in the corner there and the yarn
and the little cat houses
and all of the cats!

Children's stories are great, and if you keep looking and reading, you'll find the perfect one: a story that opens up the whole of the universe just for you in just a few short pages.

To check out more blogs about children's literature, visit the Genre Underground.

31 Days of Planets: Wannabes

Day 31

You know, not everyone is a planet. But some have tried very, very hard to be - it's not their fault that astronomical conditions didn't work it out so that they orbited the sun and were big and... you know, everything else that categorizes a planet.

In this month of planets, I think it is time to recognize the honorable mentions - those that almost could have been a planet, if things were different. Which they're not.

The first honorable mention goes to Vesta!

Vesta is one of the largest asteroids in the solar system (second in mass only to the dwarf planet Ceres). It is the brightest asteroid visible from Earth. It is home to the Snowman Crater!

Why is Vesta a wannabe planet? Primarily because she has large cracks which scientists call graben, or areas where the ground sinks when two faults move apart. Research suggests that this beautiful asteroid was formed in the same way as planets. Thus - she tried, but didn't quite make it. Instead, Vesta is an asteroid  and quite an impressive one at that.

The second wannabe planet is Phoebe! One of Saturn's moons.

Why is Phoebe a wannabe planet? Pheobe, one of Saturn's oddly shaped moons, orbits in the opposite direction from all of Saturn's other 60+ moons. The data shows that Phoebe formed in the first 3 million years of the universe. In addition, it appears that Pheobe actively evolved before freezing up and drifting into our solar system. Now Phoebe is a moon, and a special one at that: she was the first to be discovered using photography.

Our third wannabe planet is Titan! Everyone has heard of Titan - one of Saturn's great moons. In fact, Titan is remarkably similar to Earth, except with different chemical composition. Titan is larger than Mercury, and if it revolved around the Sun instead of Saturn, we would probably be much more interested in investigating all of its plentiful resources. It is the only natural satellite known to have a dense atmosphere, and along with Earth, there is evidence that stable bodies of water exist on its surface. Titan is awesome. Let's go there. 

Look, we even have a picture of the surface:

It's amazing.

In conclusion, we humans may think in terms of planets, but there is an incredible amount of everything to be found in the universe. I suggest that we not quit looking.

Pictures from Wikipedia.

31 Days of Planets: Venus

Day 21

Venus: our sister planet, named after the Roman goddess of love and beauty. She is quite similar in size and shape to Earth, but she is surrounded by clouds of sulfuric acid, with a dense atmosphere of largely carbon dioxide. Imagine what that would do to your complexion. You trying to lose weight? Don't go to Venus. The atmospheric pressure on Venus is 92 times that of Earth. She has no carbon cycle, no organic life to absorb biomass, her oceans vaporized, free hydrogen has been swept away into interplanetary space by solar winds... but she does have rocks and volcanoes. 

There is one other thing that Venus has: she looks magnificent when she crosses paths with the sun.

I have a sticker of Venus. It looks like this:

In conclusion, Venus might be the goddess of love and beauty, but she probably won't do much for you.

Pictures from Wikipedia.

31 Days of Planets: Earth 2.0

Day 18

Three-ish days ago, scientists announced the discovery of an Earth-sized planet in the Alpha-Centaui system- which is made up of 2 sun-like stars and one red dwarf. They call it Bb. This new Earth-sized planet is a bit too close to its star for our comfort, averaging a 1,200 degrees Celsius. Maybe we could dig tunnels and live underground? At any rate, the idea is that if there is one small planet in a solar system, there are likely more small planets. This is exciting, because the likelihood of finding a small planet in the Goldilocks zone is high - and it might support or already have life! 

The other awesome thing about this planet, is that it is only four light years away from Earth. Now granted it would take a while to get there, but astronomically speaking, it's really close. One news article used the phrase "an astronomical stone's throw" which I think is a really intriguing statement which shows the clear concept of our own, tiny concept of distance in contrast with a universe-sized concept of distance.  

Some scientists think that NASA should drop everything and go find it. I say, one step at a time people. I'm all about going to find it, but we haven't even been to the moon in ages! I think that all kinds of astronomers would like doing all sorts of things, and instead of arguing about which things to do, we should just find ways to do more - and cheaper is probably better, so it might be a good idea to start with the solar system first. Besides, for all I know, one the Voyagers will just happen to end up in the Alpha Centauri system before we know it!

Here's a picture. It's not a photograph - don't be deceived!

In conclusion, Earth is not alone in the universe. And neither are we, probably.

For more information, read this article.

Picture from all the news articles.

31 Days of Planets: Mercury

Day 14

Mercury is a special planet. It is closest to the sun in our solar system. It is named after the Messenger of the Roman Gods. Mercury has a lot of craters and in that respect is quite similar to the moon. Speaking of craters - Cookie Monster! Cookie Monster is on Mercury, in the form of craters of course. See?

(picture from I09)

Because Mercury is so close to the sun, it is difficult to observe. The spacecraft Mariner 10 was the first to visit Mercury. It took a number of pictures, provided information to NASA, and then ran out of fuel. It is thought to still be orbiting the sun - one, lonely spacecraft, asleep, circling the sun over and over and over and over

             and over and over and over

                          and over and over and over

The MESSENGER spacecraft launched in 2004, and has done several flybys. It successfully entered orbit in 2011, and is now in an extended mission expected to last until 2013. 

Mercury is visible (sometimes) to the naked eye. Just don't stare at the sun too long. Or you might go blind.

In conclusion, Cookie Monster is everywhere.

Pictures from NASA.

31 Days of Planets: 55 Cancri e

Day 11

55 Cancri e is an exciting planet for multiple reasons. It orbits the sun-like star 55 Cancri A (very creative naming convention, I know). A sun-like star! You know what that means? There may be the possibility of an Earth-like planet which orbits a sun-like star, and an Earth-like planet may have Earth-like life... Aliens would be the best Christmas present ever.

In October 2012, they announced that this planet is a carbon planet. If the planet is composed largely of carbon, and is regularly subjected to high temperatures (over 3000 degrees F) and high pressure, then the carbon on this planet could be largely composed of diamond. A diamond planet! Amazing.

Imagine the views - so much sparkling! Of course, rough diamonds are not nearly as sparkly as cut diamonds, but it's fun to imagine... castles cut out of the ground, glittering turrets and impenetrable glowing walls; rolling hills of graphite, and kings who are never at a loss for diamond pencils.

And here it is - an artist's conception of the diamond planet orbiting its sun:

And the diamond core - which in real life is probably not so sparkly -

In conclusion - a diamond ring might be nice, but a diamond planet would be amazing.

Pictures from Reuters.

31 Days of Planets: Eris

Day 5: Eris

Eris is a real planet inside our solar system. Not a myth. Not some suddenly-appearing planet made up by crazy people. Some people claim that the planet Nibiru is actually Eris. This is not true.

Eris is a dwarf planet, probably bigger than Pluto. It resides past Neptune, and is known as a trans-Neptunian dwarf planet. It is the farthest known natural body in our solar system. It has one moon, Dysnomia, and the two were discovered in 2005. Eris was originally known as Xena, or Planet X.

Eris played an important role in modern astronomy - it forced scientists to differentiate between a planet and a dwarf planet. Many people were very upset when Pluto got "downgraded" from a planet - but in truth Pluto is still a planet, just a dwarf-planet. This is an important distinction because as we continue to discover more and more objects out in space, each with unique characteristics, we will have to have some way to classify them - just as scientists classify species and rocks and everything else imaginable. Then our human obsession with organizing everything will slowly be fulfilled in the arena of giant rock-like objects in space.

So what is a planet? you ask. Well, a planet orbits the sun, is massive enough for its own gravity to make it round, and has cleared its neighborhood of smaller objects around its orbit. This definition currently only applies to our solar system, but I'm sure eventually they'll expand it to "orbits a star" and then name everything else differently. Dwarf planets orbit the sun, is massive enough that its shape is controlled by gravitational forces, but hasn't cleared the neighborhood. Dwarf planets are like kids that like to play with other kids. Big planets are like grownups that build giant fences around their yard and call the cops if anyone cuts across the grass.

This is photo taken by the Keck telescope in Hawaii: 

This is an illustration of what Eris and Dysnomia might look like:

In conclusion, Eris is the first of many (planets, but not necessarily in our solar system). I can't wait to see what else is out there!

Pictures from NASA.

What They Really Found On Mars

NASA's new social media effort, mainly the "7 Minutes of Terror," seemed to work miracles for the general public's interest in space. Based on my own Facebook wall (and my cat's Facebook wall), many, many people who aren't interested in anything that happens outside of about 10ft over their heads, began posting links to information about Mars, links to videos and information, and statuses about how cool space is and Mars is and etc, etc.

I was not surprised, however, (although a bit disappointed) when the excitement died down within 48 hours after the landing. The posts petered out. The likes and comments ceased. A week later, the news posts are even mostly gone (except for the thing with Obama).

I'm a little sad. I had hoped that combining the Curiosity's epic landing with the upcoming election would make space travel and discovery a major topic for the Presidential candidates.

It didn't.

So we're back to the same old grind, with a few new people who are excited about space, and a large number of people ready to jump on the bandwagon if anything interesting happens.

Something interesting did happen, though. Something that no one is talking about. Do you want to know what they don't tell you? Do you want to know what they really found on Mars (besides dirt)? I'll give you a hint. It was the same thing they found on the moon.

Yep. Daleks. We're all going to die. End of the world. Christmas, 2012.

Let's hope the Doctor is ready and waiting.

Why We Should Go to Space, Part 1

I am writing a paper about why I believe we should go to space, fund the space program, build up our private space industry, and put the best minds we have to work solving problems of physics, of faster than light travel, and of energy conservation. I will be sharing a compilation of my research as well as bits and pieces of the paper itself as it is written. You are all invited to participate: please comment, email me, Facebook me, share with me your thoughts; all perspectives are welcome.

Here is a gem I found on Yahoo Answers. All errors are depicted as presented on the site. I read this with a mixture of interest, disbelief, awe, and embarrassment for my fellow humans. Enjoy.

The question is as follows:

Is space travel waste time and money?

The best answer:

yes, why look for life out in space when we have people starving to death here on earth!

Other answers:

#1. mineing companys would get fat

#2. Applied research is easy to justify financially, because you have a goal going in that a venture capitalist sees as profitable. A lot of pure research (research done because scientists are curious) doesn't generate profits until centuries later. If not for Ben Franklin's kite experiment, mankind wouldn't have taken the first steps toward understanding electricity (controlled lightning).

#3. i wouldn't say so...that is an experience that few have the chance or the money to experience...i say if you have the time and money...go for it because i think that you would be one of the very few that would be able to say...'hey, i have been out in space...how cool is that?'

#4. No way! It is critical and wonderful. If we stop spending all our money or war and maybe on looking after our planet and space travel...then we might save ourselves from our own destruction.

#5. redirected those dollars could mean our survival.

#6. No. The faster we unravel the wonders of outer space the faster we can Trek it!

#7. no, more money should be spent on it than spending money on junk

#8. No, why?

#9. It's not a waste of time. We find out about other things living out there in the world.

#10. You are on a computer. Thank the space program for many improvements in the things we have in life.

#11. the least thing would be go to space and watch our earth from inside the ship. But its about experience. it can't be measured. The great thing is its available to common man. Raher the question should be do i want this experince and if yes can i afford it. its not about 'HOW MUCH".. this is what i feel...u might feel different..

#12. I don't think so. Humans are curious, its no wonder we are so interested in discovering what is out there! Look at what we have here, imagine what else is out there. No harm in at least trying.

#13. imagine mars if full of oil!!!!

screw you iraq U.S.A U.SA!!! :-P

#14. Some space exploration is good for the sake of knowledge, but most of the manned plans have no use whatsoever, unless you consider tremendous waste of resources a use. Explore using robotics.

#15. yes, because it's so expensive. you could have give your money to the poor and those people who needed it most. You could have devoted your time by making good deeds. traveling in space can olny satisfy your imagination but if you help other people, it would give you joy within.

#16. Wasting time and money is impossible. 

Is someone moves away from Earth, the time that the person flew from would go faster until he or she could not tell the time.

About the money, they won't be lose as their still in the bank or in your houses.

#17. No. The technology we have gotten as a result of space exploration has more than paid for itself. 

As just one example: The Microwave Oven alone (a NASA invention) has saved this country more in electricity than we have ever spent on space travel.

Now let's talk electronics, food storage, solar cells, and metal alloys...

Source(s))

"It's raining soup; grab yourself a bucket" (D. D. Harriman)

http://academicvc.com/about-stephen-fleming/other/go-get-an-asteroid/

#18. Hell no. Expand or die.

Imagining the Universe with Kitty Litter

If you imagine the universe, instead of as what exists beyond the the thin layer of elements that separate us from everything, but as an endless expanse of darkness with droplets of stars floating in determined circles around massive all-consuming, all-absorbing black holes, you'll discover that this is impossible. No matter how hard I know that the universe is thirteen billion years old, that stars are so massive it could take 1100 years to fly around one (a big one) in a jet plane, that millions and billions of these objects inhabit the rest of the dark, vast expanse of everything--in my head the looming rent bill still seems bigger.

When I see this picture-- 

--the biggest thing I can imagine is a dust storm blowing over cities and farms and continents. But this picture represents the birthing process of stars: the Orion Nebula having babies as big as or bigger than our sun, far bigger than our Earth, and incomprehensibly larger than me.

I'm a girl. Sometimes I feel fat. Well. Here's the thing:

Watch this. 

I'm not fat.

I like to imagine the universe. I spend hours and days and months and eventually years trying to picture it, to capture it with words or pictures or simply with thought, but I never will. I also don't care. Despite the immense impossibility of ever understanding the whole thing, it still fills me with wonder (which is a great feeling), reminds me that there's so much more to find and see than the little things that sit in front of me everyday, and it makes even the most mundane seem valuable.

Our magnificent universe, working and working without ever stopping, building and destroying, thinking and innovating; our magnificent universe, functioning in perfect rhythm, ignoring tiny little me who so admires its beauty and grace but still creating the perfect conditions for my existence; our magnificent universe filled with massive stars and planets, made of every element imaginable, filled with black holes and galaxies, life and death and existence, is swirling around itself, dying and breathing and living, and I am lucky enough to be allowed to change the kitty litter.




For more cool things about the size of the universe, check this!

Stripes Had Better Be In

On Friday Dave took me to the beach. The water was a bit chilly. I know this because I took off my shoes and played tag with the ocean. I also picked up a rock. It has stripes.

You know what else has stripes? The sky. 

Last week the sun blasted us with charged particles. It disrupted high frequency radio waves for two days. The sun is beginning a cycle of regular solar storms, which should occur about once a month through 2013. They won't all hit us, of course--the sun is a sphere and could hiccup in any given direction, towards the Earth or not. These light shows--called aurora borealis in the North and aurora australis in the South--create some of the most beautiful skies ever visible on Earth.


Awesome thing number one: one charged particle is just a charged particle. But a collection of charged particles is actually plasma. A lot of science fiction stories include plasma guns--weapons that spout ionized gases that disrupt robotic systems, destroy living matter, and generally cause all sorts of excited chaos. Well guess what. The sun does this to us all the time.

Awesome thing number two: the sun does not hate us (or love us, take your pick)--other planets have auroras too. Jupiter continues to be my favourite planet. Check out this sweet picture of Jupiter's aurora:

 

 That made me think, "I wonder what our aurora looks like from space?" Someone else thought of that too. Someone who actually gets to go to space.

 

Awesome thing number three: sometimes the Sun practices exploding. On these nights the Earth dresses up, like for a fancy dress party, sparkling with gems and plasma jewelry, the princess of the solar system. And we are just little germs, scurrying around on the surface building castles and highways, afraid that our communications systems will be disrupted by the sun.


One day I want to go to Alaska. I will plan my trip around projected solar flares. If I do it right, maybe I can see the aurora over the ocean. I'll take my striped rock and wear pinstriped pants and a striped scarf. If I'm lucky, stripes will even be in that season. Otherwise I will have to be uncool. Uncool, perhaps, but happy.

Build Fission Rockets, Become Aliens

Rockets are the key to getting into space. Not the kind of key you keep in your pocket which allows you to access your house, but the kind of key which you keep in a giant laboratory that allows you to access the entire universe. Until now we've only used combustion rockets to do anything--destroy cities, launch missiles, power jet packs, send men to the space station and the moon. But now the anonymous "they" are working on fission powered rockets.

What is special about those? you ask. 

Well, think bigger. Think bigger than Earth, think bigger than Jupiter (my favourite planet), think bigger than our star or our solar system--think deep space. Millions and billions of stars occupy our universe. And dozens of planets orbit those stars--totaling dozens of billions. Imagine that we can fly out into nowhere, soar among the stars.

Whenever I hear someone use that phrase, I always imagine standing among trees or among a crowd of people, except instead of people or trees there are stars. But it will be nothing like that. To soar among the stars is to fly between them with millions of miles between, seeing their glow on the other side of the dark matter that surrounds us, on the other side of the vacuum filled with rocks and dust that sits between our tiny vessel and them. It is to be alone in the dark, always moving forward, always searching.

Sounds lonely. But it also sounds amazing. So what are we waiting for? Let's build those fission rockets and get going. Let's give our scientists jobs. Let's catapult the best and the brightest of the human species out into space to start looking for other places to go, to live, to populate. Instead of waiting for the aliens to come here, let's go be somebody else's aliens.

It's our new mission: build fission rockets, become aliens.

Here is a video in honor of Carl Sagan, one of the greatest thinkers of our time. Enjoy. And go be an alien.

On Second Thought, the End of the World Might Actually Happen.

Swing dancing. It's one of my favourite things. It's also like being in an asteroid belt. Picture this:

A dimly lit room, music. Two hundred people dancing in pairs, spinning around each other, stepping on feet. Sweat, smile, rock-step. Repeat. Chaotic rhythm and a jumble of bodies, all moving in a similar way, trading partners, drinking water. Chaotic rhythm and a jumble of rocks, sweating, spinning, bumping into each other--

--rocks--people--basically the same thing.

Some people believe that the asteroid belt located between Mars and Jupiter is actually the remnant of a planet which collided with something--another planet, perhaps?--and broke into a million little pieces. Now they fly in an orbit, being chased by a glowing tail and losing bits along the way.

The belt could be a conglomeration of materials that never became a planet. It may even be our solar system's junk yard. Or perhaps it is our way of making the solar system look thin, as belts are often used for. I, however, feel that these rocks are probably the remains of Niribu, the planet which supposedly flew by us 3000 years ago and if it weren't destroyed before completing it's super-long orbit, would be due for a return in December. I imagine the Anunnaki built a spaceship to come visit us, accidentally initiated the nuclear battery startup before stabilization, and it exploded, taking the planet with it. That said, such a superior species should have known better than to use a nuclear power source. Or perhaps they got into a war over whether or not to stay on Earth, which ended in a hundred thousand little pieces. Or perhaps their orbit shifted just a fraction of an inch, and they hit a moon. Either way, now they are just a ring of asteroids flying 1,118,468 miles an hour in a never ending circle around the sun.

This does not mean that the Anunnaki are all dead. Perhaps there are habitable asteroids where tiny groups of Anunnaki are waiting for us to develop enough to rescue them--or they've been cryogenically frozen and need us to unfreeze them. Or maybe they think we exploded them (because we all know the ancient Sumerians had nuclear technology) and are forming a massive army of armed asteroids to attack us. At any rate, don't listen to NASA, the asteroids are definitely the planet Niribu--it does exist, it's just in a hundred thousand little pieces.

Next December, expect an emergency broadcast stating that 1,500 asteroids have suddenly veered off from their orbit and are heading towards Earth, with giant guns aimed right at us. I hope you have moved to Russia before this emergency broadcast, because by then it will be too late.

Asteroids: the perfect disguise for the end of the world.

How to Survive the End of the World

The first trick to surviving the end of the world is knowing exactly what will happen--telling the future, if you will. Luckily, I, by my great mental prowess and my ability to use Google Search, know exactly what will happen in 11 months and 14 days.

First, the Mayan Calendar will end on December 21, 2012. The calendar began in 3,114 BC and has not stopped ticking for over 5,000 years. Its end marks the Y2K of multiple millenniums as well as the end of the human race, a polar shift, violent earthquakes, and a Venus transit (Venus passes between the Earth and the Sun).

Next, the planet Niribu will return, a planet with a super long and super elliptical orbit that passes through every 3000+ years. On this planet lives a race called the Annunaki, a race who long ago encouraged us to be more civilized, after they enslaved us. They will probably enslave us again. If not, then the return of their planet will probably throw Earth off its axis or they crash into us.

As Niribu approaches, the sun will begin to have massive solar storms. These massive solar flares and spouts will have a dreadful impact on our communications networks and our satellite systems. The massive disruptions in the sun's magnetic field will cause a magnetic field about-face here on Earth. This will cause nuclear power plants to meltdown. That can't be good. For your instruction, take a look at this picture of the sun, borrowed from the National Geographic website:

It's beautiful. But it will probably kill us.

(On the bright side, we are sending the first commercial flight to the space station next month!)

The end of the world promises to be horrendous. But I promised you a method for survival. And I have one. It is so great, so stupendous, that no one has thought of it before. It is a method that is beyond comprehension:

Move to Russia.

Why? Russia is a massive continent with few people and a lot of bears. It is frigidly cold, and has large quantities of untapped resources. But really, why Russia?

If the sun explodes, it won't matter where you live. If the sun flares--well, there's no cell phone service in Siberia anyway, so the it won't disrupt communication. If the planet heats up a lot, well, it's cold up there, so it should just warm up to tolerable temperatures. And if there's a nuclear meltdown, the effects probably won't reach all the way up there. And if the Annunaki come to enslave us, they'll go straight to NYC and Tokyo, because that's where all the people are, while you are building the resistance in the middle of nowhere. Plus, you'll have bears on your side. If the poles switch, your compasses will simply aim at the rest of the world instead of spinning around in circles. Earthquakes? Russia's smack dab on the middle of the Eurasian tectonic plate, so they'll just float around while the rest of the world is torn to shreds.

Learn how to farm, move to Russia, and you can ride out the calamity like a surfer on an epic wave.

I will see you there.

How to Lose Weight, Comet Style

Adrenaline junkie? My friend Chelsea went skydiving on her birthday. My uncles used to waterski barefoot. But check this out. A comet, named Lovejoy, took a mad free fall through the sun. As in, it's trajectory was aimed directly at the sun, and it hit the sun, and then came back out the other side. The scientists watching it expected complete vaporization, since the corona of the sun is approximately two million degrees Fahrenheit. Here, watch some videos of it. It looks a bit worse for the wear coming out the other side, don't you think? The comet lost 90% of its weight and it's tail, so this also seems to be a highly effective weight loss program. 

So instead of bungee jumping, how about trying that on your next birthday?

If you don't want to take a mad leap into the sun, how about starting your own space program instead? Billionaire Paul Allen has joined Richard Branson, Elon Musk, and Jeff Bezos in their quest to launch ships into space. Allen has a new idea, which is brilliant: imagine an aircraft carrier. You know, like the boat. Now imagine a spacecraft carrier--but instead of a boat, it's an airplane that launches rockets from the sky. With a wingspan longer than a football field, the airplane should help to cut back on launch costs and delays by launching the rockets wherever conditions are best, as well as giving us safer orbital access to space.

Before you know it they'll be launching rockets to the sun--so all you'll need to do is hitch a ride on one of those, and you can try comet Lovejoy's weight loss program.

Three reasons why comets are awesome:

1. They have plasma tails.

2. They are giant snowballs. With ice. And mud.

3. They are badass, and take mad dives into the sun.

Forget surfing, forget mountain climbing, forget skydiving and bungee jumping, forget theft, forget skateboarding and demolition and tractor pulling and extreme sports in general: just crash a spaceship through the sun's corona. Then you'll be awesome, and have a great body.

You Can Stomp On Monsters, But Not On Black Holes. So Don't Try.

If anyone ever tells you there's no such thing as monsters, they're lying. There are monsters all over the place. It's just that we've gotten quite good at ignoring them, banishing them to the outskirts of civilization, or remaining ignorant. Children understand this. When they are afraid of the dark, it's because they know that the biggest, meanest, most dangerous monsters are invisible; and what is the dark but a very commonplace version of invisibility?

 I suppose you want some examples of monsters. That's good, because that's what I was going to tell you next.

Category 1: Monsters We Ignore

You know that guy who cuts you off? Or the one who reads their receipt at the cash register with eight people in line behind them, finds a $1 mistake, and makes the cashier call a manager immediately? Or the lady in front of you who drives 35mph exactly in a 40mph zone, and is going exactly the direction you are? These people are not monsters. But they have little monsters inside their heads. Little monsters that whisper "who are you?" and "why?" and "RAWR" and "you're stupid". These little monsters can have devastating consequences on us. Sometimes they're even contagious. But usually we just ignore them.

The second type in this category are monsters such as The Runny Nose, The Hang Nail, and The Sneeze. These are constantly attacking, but we've developed complex defense systems that allow us to ignore the monsters most of the time.

Category 2: Monsters We Banish

These monsters usually take forms of bears, mountain lions, volcanoes, and poisonous reptiles. Typically we keep them at bay by installing electric lights everywhere, shooting at them if they come to close, or destroying their food sources and habitats. These ones are probably the least dangerous and the most feared.

On the other side of this coin is the Germ. The germ is tiny, but it invades our body and slowly takes out one of our functioning systems at a time. We have developed many defense mechanisms for this one; the main one is banishment through vaccinations.

Category 3: Monsters We Are Ignorant Of

This is a bit of a difficult category, because if we're ignorant, it means we have no knowledge. However, I at least know of one: black holes. You think your teenage brother eats a lot? My little brother would wrack up a $400 grocery bill all on his own when he was thirteen--a black hole would eat the whole planet if it could get its greedy little hands on it. And that would just be the beginning. A black hole would eat our sun as well as all of the surrounding stars. It just sucks in everything, like a giant vacuum--it eats stars, planets, moons, dust, asteroids, entire galaxies. Even you. The worst part is that they'll eat light: mixing your wildest fears into one terrible creature: a giant, ravenous monster that consumes everything, in the dark. Not only would it be consuming you, you wouldn't be able to see it.

So just watch out for little monsters and big monsters, because they're sneaking everywhere, stealing your socks and your hair, making you grumpy and scratching your car, and the only way to fight back is to stomp on them. Except black holes, you can't stomp on those.