The Year of the Jellyfish

It's the New Year, and as we all look forward to our new and improved lives, pay vigorous attention to our resolutions, and intensely focus our efforts on altering our lifestyles (yeah right), there is one crucial detail that we should beware: the Jellyfish.

Watch out - they're going to get you!

The number of jellyfish in our oceans is rising (see news article here). I think they might take over the world. Scientists say it's just a cycle - every 20 years or so the number of jellyfish reaches a high - but I don't believe it. Maybe scientists are plotting to take over the world using jellyfish. Maybe the dolphins are about to launch a massive offensive against humans, as a test of which species' intelligence is really higher. Maybe the CIA is training jellyfish to carryout stealth missions against other countries. Maybe NASA is secretly imitating the way jellyfish move to create some sort of awesome spaceship... or are going to use jellyfish as spaceships. Or maybe aliens have tapped into the jellyfish mind and are going to use them to take over Earth.

I mean, imagine it - weird wobbly fish with the ability to zap you with magical poisonous lightning, increasing in population to the point that the ocean water just bubbles with their round little heads - and then they all suddenly ATTACK.

Perhaps 2013 will be the end of the world.

At any rate, here is my New Year's advice: don't get behind on your resolutions, and watch out for jellyfish!

*Picture from here.

31 Days of Planets: Nibiru

Day 9: Nibiru

Nibiru is a special planet. The reason? Because it's imaginary. It's an imaginary planet that is supposed to collide with Earth in, oh, give or take two months (December 12, 2012). This sneaky planet has decided to do a flyby of Earth, causing us to stop orbiting for five days and switch magnetic poles. The oceans would then migrate to the poles, creating two polar oceans and one giant center continent. And a day would be the length of an entire year - unless of course the planet started spinning again after five days, in which case the oceans would wander back to their original locations and Daylight savings time would be pushed back a few days.

Nibiru is a hoax. But Nibiru would make a great science fiction TV series, if anyone is interested. Maybe I'll write a book - Incoming Planet. Watch your nearest amazon.com. 

As for what Nibiru looks like, I did a simple image search It's quite lovely. It looks like a marble: 

And it comes from a really reliable-looking website.

This one is a "real photo" from NASA, found on ufodigest.com.

And if you're still dying for evidence, check out this one. You can't deny that this is a real picture:

For more information on this impending disaster, you can read this article, the Wikipedia page, or the news.

In conclusion, Nibiru is going to be great fun.

How to Survive the End of the World

The first trick to surviving the end of the world is knowing exactly what will happen--telling the future, if you will. Luckily, I, by my great mental prowess and my ability to use Google Search, know exactly what will happen in 11 months and 14 days.

First, the Mayan Calendar will end on December 21, 2012. The calendar began in 3,114 BC and has not stopped ticking for over 5,000 years. Its end marks the Y2K of multiple millenniums as well as the end of the human race, a polar shift, violent earthquakes, and a Venus transit (Venus passes between the Earth and the Sun).

Next, the planet Niribu will return, a planet with a super long and super elliptical orbit that passes through every 3000+ years. On this planet lives a race called the Annunaki, a race who long ago encouraged us to be more civilized, after they enslaved us. They will probably enslave us again. If not, then the return of their planet will probably throw Earth off its axis or they crash into us.

As Niribu approaches, the sun will begin to have massive solar storms. These massive solar flares and spouts will have a dreadful impact on our communications networks and our satellite systems. The massive disruptions in the sun's magnetic field will cause a magnetic field about-face here on Earth. This will cause nuclear power plants to meltdown. That can't be good. For your instruction, take a look at this picture of the sun, borrowed from the National Geographic website:

It's beautiful. But it will probably kill us.

(On the bright side, we are sending the first commercial flight to the space station next month!)

The end of the world promises to be horrendous. But I promised you a method for survival. And I have one. It is so great, so stupendous, that no one has thought of it before. It is a method that is beyond comprehension:

Move to Russia.

Why? Russia is a massive continent with few people and a lot of bears. It is frigidly cold, and has large quantities of untapped resources. But really, why Russia?

If the sun explodes, it won't matter where you live. If the sun flares--well, there's no cell phone service in Siberia anyway, so the it won't disrupt communication. If the planet heats up a lot, well, it's cold up there, so it should just warm up to tolerable temperatures. And if there's a nuclear meltdown, the effects probably won't reach all the way up there. And if the Annunaki come to enslave us, they'll go straight to NYC and Tokyo, because that's where all the people are, while you are building the resistance in the middle of nowhere. Plus, you'll have bears on your side. If the poles switch, your compasses will simply aim at the rest of the world instead of spinning around in circles. Earthquakes? Russia's smack dab on the middle of the Eurasian tectonic plate, so they'll just float around while the rest of the world is torn to shreds.

Learn how to farm, move to Russia, and you can ride out the calamity like a surfer on an epic wave.

I will see you there.

Coming Soon: Nibiru and the End of the World

As the end of the world rapidly approaches, panicky rumors spread faster than a rabbit with a  stick of dynamite tied to its tail. My favourite is this: a mysterious, wandering planet with an orbit of 3,600 years, said to be inhabited by intelligent beings who procreated with the apes to create humans last time their planet passed by, will slip between Earth and the Sun, blocking the Sun's light, throwing off our orbit, shortening the length of our day, and causing a sudden pole shift--the end of the world.

Nibiru is the home of the Anunnaki, a race of extraterrestrials who first enslaved us, then tried to kill us, then decided to bring our civilization into maturity, and then left. If you are having trouble remembering this, it's because it happened during the Sumerian Empire. Many people are certain that this planet will return in 2012 and cause the end of everything. In fact, this is so disconcerting that some people can't sleep at night for fear of the future. One belief is that the newly discovered Eris is actually Nibiru:

"...however Eris does exist and I see they were going to call it Xena... planet X... Will Eris do a flyby since it is considered a planet and the 10th one?...Could this even be possible that we would be thrown off our axis? Are Pluto and others really slightly of their normal gravitational paths because of this planet that is supposedly coming toward us? Why do they say time is speeding up because of the magnetic pulse this planet is creating? Is this true that there are only really 16 hours a day now because time is moving faster? ...Why do the days seem so much shorter? I am scared about this whole 2012 thing. Eris seems to be in the position that everyone says Nibiru is and the same size. Maybe we are asking the wrong question. Maybe we should be asking about Eris and not Nibiru. Thank you for your time as I am scared to death!" (This is an excerpt from this fantastic article about Nibiru).

What is the evidence for this mysterious planet? It's this: the orbits of Neptune and Uranus supposedly wobble slightly, therefore there must be another planet, larger than Earth, that exerts gravitational pull. Also the Mayan Calendar is ending.

There seems to be a rather large number of people who think that this mysterious planet has been secretly observed and tracked by NASA for several years. And what would life be without conspiracies? David Morrison, a respected astrophysicist at NASA, was sent this message by a rather irate individual:

"So if you all are watching Eris and it’s trajectory, why can’t you tell us about how it’s going to come between the sun and the earth? Where is the info on your webpage of the true trajectory which will cause the perturbing of all our solar system heavenly bodies? If this is nothing to worry about, then why don’t you talk about its trajectory? Why don’t you have people partnering to watch it, track it and be actively talking about this huge new planet that is coming? Why are you so quiet about this new discovery? Your behavior is suspicious and your actions will be discovered soon so I would suggest a full disclosure."

I imagine them yelling this: "Why don't you talk about it's trajectory?" It cracks me up.

People are great. Without imagination we would all still be nomadic hunters. Not that there is anything wrong with nomadic hunting, but 7 billion nomadic hunters might be a few too many. I must say, however, that imaginary planets do not make me lose sleep. Leaf Blowers make me lose sleep. My cat makes me lose sleep. Caffeine makes me lose sleep. Right now, however, I am awake, and the only planet that makes me lose sleep is Jupiter, because it's never in the same place! (Ha! Space joke!)

So I don't recommend worrying about the end of the world, but I do recommend buying stock in companies that sell generators and dehydrated food. That way, next year, you'll be rich enough to buy your freedom when the Anunnaki enslave us. Again.

2012: The Year of Doing Things

I don't think I will make it to the Moon this year. In fact, I think it is highly unlikely that I will even get to space. There are a number of other things, however, that are completely within the realm of possibility. Since it is New Year's, I probably should be making resolutions, but I believe that if I can't make myself do something any other time during the year, why should I try now, especially when it's cold outside? So instead, I have come up with several things I would like to do at any point during this year:


Hang gliding. It's like flying, but since I don't have wings, I have to piggyback on something else that flies through the air, and I doubt a bird would very much appreciate a stowaway.


Breathing. I would like to keep breathing incessantly for the next 366 days. It might sound like a lot of effort, but I think I can keep up with it. I will give myself a little leeway--I can stop breathing, but not for more than two minutes.


Ride on a train. Trains are stupendous. I've always wanted to be a train engineer, and one day, once I've saved up enough money to go to train engineer school, maybe I will. For now, though, I will just have to satisfy myself with just riding on one. I'd like to ride on a train whose tracks traverse Mars or Titan, but I think that is just as unlikely to happen this year as reaching the Moon. So I will have to settle for Vermont.


As far as the end of the world: I doubt it. But I bet generator sales will increase in November. I hope you all have a good year, full of food and breathing, and absent of zombies and nearby exploding suns. Come visit NH, and good luck with your New Year's resolutions!

2011: Soon I will be writing the wrong year on all my checks

Someday I will be able to reminisce like this: "While I was on the moon I wrote a postcard to Mom; then I traveled through the tail of a comet and skirted the tongue of the sun as it lashed out into the darkness. My new novel was a rip-roaring success, selling over fifteen copies to people who are not my relatives! And I managed to find time to visit my brothers in TN, PA, and CA."

I have not done any of these things. This is what I did do this year:

Wrote novel #2.

Watched Battlestar Galactica.

Drove a boat- Rob's boat, on Great East Lake.

Babysat.

Went to NC.

Ate at the Cheesecake Factory.

Closed my knife on my finger.

Went to Canada.

Rewrote novel #1.

Went to Long Island.

Theatre: Man of La Mancha (ME, board op), Wizard of Oz (ME), Spelling Bee (ME, board op), Hairspray (ME, ASM), Cabaret (ME, spot op), A Christmas Carol (ME, crew).

Hunted lobsters.

Found a shark on the beach.

Learned 200 new words: petrichor is my favourite.

Watched my friend get married; I also threw a bridal shower.

Stuck my feet in the ocean.

Got a ginormous blood blister.

Interned at Calypso.

Almost fell out of the grid.

Walked in the rain.

Moved into an apartment.

Worked at the gym (I lead a thrilling life, I know).

Got a cat and named her Goblin*.

Learned ever so much about space.

Went to the zoo! Got a free ticket!

Climbed Mount Major (which is not quite as tall as Mount General).

Went to Boston.

Celebrated Christmas and Thanksgiving.

Turned 23.

*This is my cat, Goblin.