Orange Fur: Life Lessons from Goblin, part 2

If a window opens, check out what's on the other side.

If you killed it, you won. 

If they make you look silly, glare at them until they BURN.

If you can't grow a mustache, try whiskers instead.

Keep your eyes on the sky. It's where the birds hide.

Don't blink. Blink and you're dead. Don't turn your back. 

Don't look away. And don't blink.

Good luck.

Get it before it gets you.

Once you've captured the feather, don't let go.

Always keep your head up. It shows off your fabulous neck.

If the TARDIS lands in your yard, run. 

(Towards it, preferably).

Orange Fur: Life Lessons from Goblin

Don't let anyone disturb your nap. Ever.

Stalk only the things that matter the most. 

Like feathers.

1. Find the ribbons. 

2. Get the ribbons back.

3. Leave no one alive.

4. Chew on the ribbons.

If you're desperate for a hug, you can probably find one somewhere.

Just keep it short. And don't be afraid to bite them when they won't let go.

Life is good. I am not Milton. Thank goodness.

Gaheris the Turtle

This is my turtle:

His name is Gaheris (after a knight of the round table, Arthur's nephew and Gawain's brother), and he is is an Eastern Painted Turtle. I rescued Gaheris from the malevolent schemes of an SUV, who tried desperately to squash Gaheris into the saddest lump you've ever seen. All I can say, is that somewhere a butterfly must have flapped its wings one time too many.

Today, however, I realized it was time to let him go. So, together, Goblin and I took the long journey to deposit him back into the wild. Now, he is free, and the universe is right again.

First Date Small Talk

I am not a fan of small talk. It is awkward and extremely boring. So, I have compiled a list of conversation starters for next time I go on a first date or for an awkward company car drive, or to use as vacation time killers or for random people on the street to start random-people-on-the-street conversations. These are questions you can ask me to peak my interest. These are not applicable to everyone. Make sure you actually can discuss the topic, however; otherwise, you will lose the game. Which I just lost. Also, most of these questions can be followed by the question "why?".

1. Who is your favourite Doctor Who character?

2. What is your favourite type of precipitation?

3. If you could go to any fictional planet, which one would you visit?

4. What do you think of outer space?

5. What do you think of the recent political changes affecting NASA?

6. What is your least favourite type of small talk?

7. What is your favourite word?

8. What word do you think best describes tornadoes? Spring? Space? Battlestar Galactica? Etc.?

9. Where is Carmen Sandiego?

10. Tell me about your family.

11. What do you think of rock walls?

12. Who is Rutherford the Unicorn-Sheep?

13. What methods do you think we as a society should enact to get to space?

14. Let's discuss asteriods.

15. Which is your favourite real planet?

16. What is your favourite non-profit organization? Why?

17. If you could pick three mythical creatures to be your roommates, which ones would you pick?

18. What is your favourite piece of theatrical lighting equipment?

19. Which do you like better: a Source4 Parcan or a PAR 64?

20. What was your favourite class in college?

21. Which King Arthur was your favourite: the one from The Sword in the Stone, Merlin, Cretien de Trois, or Gerald Morris' books (The Squire's Tales)?

22. If you could learn any language, which one would you pick?

23. What is your favourite memory of beekeeping?

24. Where's Waldo?

25. How do you plan to get to space?

26. Tell me about your cat.

27.  Which do you think is more important: society going to space or animal rights?

On the same note, a first date/car ride/vacation conversation/random-people-on-the-street conversation can be just as boring if the topic is unpleasant or awkward.

This is a list of things you should not ask me about:

1. Politicians.

2. Terrorism.

3. Rick Perry.

4. Hormones.

5. Sharia Law.

6. The number 4.

7. Country music.

Who wants to bet that next time Dave comes over his first comment will be, "So Ariele, I read this really fascinating article today, in which Rick Perry and a bunch of other politicians were discussing the interrelated nature of terrorism and Sharia law while listening to country music and complaining about their wives hormonal mood swings. Also, four. Four. Four, four..."

Nah. Dave would never use the phrase "in which". But he might just start chanting "four, four, four four..."

My Cat, the Hacker-Mob Boss

Most people know what their cats do when they're at home alone. Eat, sleep, and sleep, are three very common examples.

My cat, on the other hand, Goblin, is a very suspicious sort of cat. When I come home, she always runs away. When I am in the bathroom or kitchen, she just sits there and meows. The rest of the time, she sits in the corner, under my desk or in awkward places and just stares at me. She doesn't move or blink. Just stares. For hours.

Like this:

When I'm sleeping she either sits on my head, sits on the window sill above my head, or races back and forth maniacally chasing Christmas bows that don't move and pieces of string that don't fight back.

So then I wonder: what does Goblin do while I'm gone?

Here's the thing: NASA was hacked 13 times last year, and 48 NASA laptops were stolen in the past two years. Do I think my cat stole them? No. I think she paid someone to do it. I think she was the hacker, however. She's like a hacker-mob boss who runs a ring of ridiculously smart criminals that are trying to take control of the space station. NASA claims that the space station is safe, but if Goblin can speak Russian, then they had better watch out.

""But why?" you ask. "Why would Goblin want to take control of the space station?

"Don't you read the news?" I reply. 

Look at these headlines: Hundreds of Cats Rescued in Animal Cruelty Case at Caboodle Ranch, Cat Count Nears 70 at Elmer Avenue, President of California Fish and Game Commission Shoots a Cat: Now He Is the One Up a Tree, 200 Cats Removed from NY Home, and worst of all, Japanese Cat Lovers Snarl at New Law which puts a curfew on the public appearance of animals. They have to be home by 8:00pm!

Goblin the Hacker-Mob Boss is merely trying to command a new life for cats of all breeds. By taking control of the International Space Station, she knows she can negotiate for a cat-sized spaceship which she will then command, taking as many cats as possible away from here to start a new life on a far away planet--a planet of milk and fish. I wish her luck.

Goblin

Recently, I have been spending a lot of time with my cat. Goblin is her name, and she is a beautiful, long-haired calico. You probably remember her from Rutherford the Unicorn-Sheep's play date. She makes funny faces sometimes.

The thing about Goblin that is different than any other cat I've ever had, is that she talks constantly. If I get up at 4am to go to work, she starts meowing. If I get home from work at noon, she starts meowing. Usually if I'm working at the computer or cleaning she either sleeps or hides, but if I'm not paying enough attention to her, she meows.

Whenever I am in the kitchen she meows. Like this:

My favourite thing about Goblin is not how she sleeps on my head every night, or how she scratches the back of the couch when she thinks I'm not looking, or how she licks plastic bags: it's how she attacks the little tiny white feathers that come out of pillows. They're so small that they are almost invisible, so it looks like she's attacking the air or the rug or nothing at all.

The thing about cats is that they're completely insane and yet so awesome. The first time my parents' cat, Spidercat, came into the house, she was so afraid of the dog that she leaped six feet in the air and crawled her way up the wall, ruining mom's wallpaper. Just yesterday, Mom caught her, not walking across the top of the cupboard, but balancing on the teapots sitting on top of the cupboard.

My deceased cat, Ginger, used to catch rabbits and bring them to me as a gift. Or something.

The most amazing cat I've ever heard of is Schrodinger's cat. In Quantum Mechanics there exists something called a superposition of states. This idea suggests that an electron exists in its theoretical states simultaneously until it is measured--then it decides where it is. Schrodinger thought this was silly. He proposed this thought experiment:

Put a cat in a steel box with food and a vial of radioactive poison. If any of the poison decays during the time the cat is in the box, then the vial is smashed and the food filled with poison. But, since we can't see or measure the cat in any way, then according to Quantum Superposition we would be forced to believe that the cat is both dead and alive simultaneously, until we open the box and the cat becomes one or the other.

 Nowadays I think PETA would object to putting cats in steel boxes and feeding them poison, but imagine it: a cat that can both exist and not exist simultaneously. I think we can now understand why they jerk their eyes and heads around like they're watching things that aren't there: it's because they are there. Cats can see electrons in superposition. Because they're smart. And manipulative. I have proof right here:

 Moral of the story: Go get a cat.

2011: Soon I will be writing the wrong year on all my checks

Someday I will be able to reminisce like this: "While I was on the moon I wrote a postcard to Mom; then I traveled through the tail of a comet and skirted the tongue of the sun as it lashed out into the darkness. My new novel was a rip-roaring success, selling over fifteen copies to people who are not my relatives! And I managed to find time to visit my brothers in TN, PA, and CA."

I have not done any of these things. This is what I did do this year:

Wrote novel #2.

Watched Battlestar Galactica.

Drove a boat- Rob's boat, on Great East Lake.

Babysat.

Went to NC.

Ate at the Cheesecake Factory.

Closed my knife on my finger.

Went to Canada.

Rewrote novel #1.

Went to Long Island.

Theatre: Man of La Mancha (ME, board op), Wizard of Oz (ME), Spelling Bee (ME, board op), Hairspray (ME, ASM), Cabaret (ME, spot op), A Christmas Carol (ME, crew).

Hunted lobsters.

Found a shark on the beach.

Learned 200 new words: petrichor is my favourite.

Watched my friend get married; I also threw a bridal shower.

Stuck my feet in the ocean.

Got a ginormous blood blister.

Interned at Calypso.

Almost fell out of the grid.

Walked in the rain.

Moved into an apartment.

Worked at the gym (I lead a thrilling life, I know).

Got a cat and named her Goblin*.

Learned ever so much about space.

Went to the zoo! Got a free ticket!

Climbed Mount Major (which is not quite as tall as Mount General).

Went to Boston.

Celebrated Christmas and Thanksgiving.

Turned 23.

*This is my cat, Goblin.

Buckets Hold More Than Water

Carl Sagan, one of the most brilliant men of the 20th Century, described Earth like this: 


"Our future depends powerfully on how well we understand this cosmos, of which we float like a mote of dust in the morning sky." 

If the Earth is a mote of dust, what am I?

Easy: I'm just me. 

Here is my list of things I want to do before I die, in no particular order:

Publish/finish my novels.

Go hang gliding.

Touch dry ice.

Introduce my cat, Goblin to my big brother and sister-in-law's cat, Chloe.

Fly on the Virgin Galactic (anybody want to give me $200,000?)

Write about flying on the Virgin Galactic.

Have Elton John sing "Rocketman" to me.

Go to Alaska and meet a bear.

Be a Verizon Cell Phone Tower Fix-it Man.

Take a cosmology class.

Meet Terry Pratchett.

Learn how to drive a tractor trailer and/or a backhoe.

Hug my mom. Pull my dad's beard.

Buy a nice writing desk and put it in a room with a window and a rug and a book case.

Watch my little brother play a show on drums.

See the aurora borealis, possibly while I'm in Alaska.

Any more suggestions?